I always thought that if you gave your pain purpose you could always overcome something, whether it be mentally or physically. I have a hard time being vulnerable with others. I usually try to press whatever emotions I have raging inside to appear like I have my shit figured out. I may be the farthest from it. I spent half a year trying to be there for someone and not focusing on myself. Admittedly this is my own fault. Trying to fix other people’s problems, but I can’t even fix my own.
But there is a warm comforting feeling to help someone in need. Your world stops, your problems cease to exist. Because for a brief moment all that matters is the person you’re helping.
I took any chance I could at being trying to be a comfort for others, so that when I went home to lay my head I could feel somewhat decent.
But there were too many moments. There were far too many moments where I tried to be someone for someone else. For people I called friends, for someone who I thought I loved.
I remember being confronted by a few friends about these changes, and I hated it. I remember the conversation although for most of it I was in my own head. I changed to appease a few friends, a girl? For what? I felt foreign in my own skin. Disconnected.
I had to spend a lot of time looking myself in the mirror asking myself where I went wrong.
“Remember this”, a little mental note I told myself.
We choose who we are vulnerable with and that is all we control. It’s hard to see red flags when you’re wearing rose colored glasses.
Go out with a few friends & have a beer or two. Don’t waste time thinking about ghosts.
The past is just a bunch of stories we tell.