My job requires me to be hyper-analytical. Staring into blue screens as the colorful pixels form graphs and shapes which give some meaning if you look at it long enough.
But you weren't "work", I shouldn't have used the same approach.
I looked for signs in your words & actions. Hoping it would give me some reason to stick around, or maybe some reason to leave. But more in the time I spent looking to the stars & blue screens for meaning I don't know if I ever saw the effort you were putting in.
We were just far away. In the sense that we had our own battles to fight and never slowed down.
At a loss, I lost my cool. I denied that I found you.
What surprised me the most was seeing how far things have degraded. Being close to someone for so long, just to have it all fall apart. Now just strangers with some memories. It hurts the heart.
Why do I deserve signs to feel better about you?
I want to believe you were still somehow there, hanging on like me. Maybe I pushed you too far.
If so, I'm so sorry.
Things can't be black or white, just various shades of grey. Which is something I've learned very recently.
Black and white is too easy. We're too complex and sensitive to be anything but shades of grey. Changing tones as each day passes.
I realize how wrong I was about so much. I've learned so much from this time apart, I don't want to waste away.
I want to rise up.
I dont want to be strangers with memories.
I want to be amplified in the Sun.
You've fed me your wisdom & breathed me your truth.
Thank you for that.